I can’t get over that guy” barked out from
Next door’s garden in the early night
“And how he went on and on and on
Certainly he’d be no white knight.
Came the song of the girl next door.
Fucked off he did, as fuck off I said”.
Then laughs filled all the air outside
Where too many voices spoke too loud,
Too long, too much, too far, too wide,
Surrounding the girl next door.
Shouting and laughter and song and
Chatter and call and occasion to find
Occasion too tempting for me to rise
To the stair and stare and see behind
The temptation of a girl next door.
For all that she might offer to me
Is a lonely walk and a darkened road
That would neither bind me nor set me free,
But add burden to my heavy load
And I would add that girl next door.
So the lights went out on both sides
Of the fence and in the dark I waited
For a signal or a sign or an offer,
An offer for which my breath was baited.
And there I waited, for a girl next door.
Critique by Alexis Ingram
This poem presents a scene filled with noise, conflict, and contemplation, offering a glimpse into the speaker’s thoughts and emotions.
1. **Tone and Atmosphere:**
– The tone is somewhat cynical and contemplative, effectively conveying the speaker’s feelings of annoyance and hesitation. The use of strong language adds to the sense of frustration and conflict within the scene.
2. **Imagery and Setting:**
– The imagery captures the chaotic atmosphere of a noisy neighbor’s gathering, with voices, laughter, and the song of the girl next door filling the air. The darkness adds a layer of mystery and anticipation to the scene.
3. **Repetition:**
– The repetition of “too” in the lines “Too many voices spoke too loud, Too long, too much, too far, too wide” emphasizes the overwhelming nature of the situation. However, consider varying the language to maintain the impact while avoiding redundancy.
4. **Character Dynamics:**
– The poem hints at the speaker’s frustration with the guy next door and the potential romantic interest in the girl next door. The internal conflict and the decision to resist temptation add depth to the narrative.
5. **Rhyme and Rhythm:**
– The poem follows a free verse style, which suits the casual and conversational tone. The irregularity in rhyme and rhythm contributes to the overall relaxed and informal atmosphere of the poem.
6. **Revealing Emotions:**
– The poem effectively captures the internal struggle of the speaker, torn between the desire for connection and the reluctance to engage. The mention of a “lonely walk” and a “darkened road” adds emotional weight to the speaker’s contemplation.
7. **Closure:**
– The poem leaves readers with a sense of anticipation and waiting, suggesting that the speaker is in a state of indecision. The closing lines effectively convey the speaker’s unresolved feelings.
8. **Clarity and Conciseness:**
– The poem is concise and effectively communicates the central scene and the speaker’s internal conflict. The language is clear and straightforward, making it accessible to readers.
In conclusion, this poem effectively captures a moment of conflict, noise, and internal contemplation. The use of strong imagery and the portrayal of the speaker’s emotional struggle add depth to the narrative. Consider refining certain elements to enhance the impact and flow of the poem further.
Inalienable Write 